When it came time to put down our sandwiches and cobble together Dear Jerks' first annual year-end list, "home for the holidays" was an obvious choice for the theme. Just like it should have been an obvious choice for Beach House to put a picture of a beach house on one of their record covers. And yet, lo and behold, they are now four deep and still haven't gotten their stuff together. (No, the inside of a house doesn't count.)
Needless to say, we got mad about that for a while. Then we realized that if we were going to be mad at Beach House, we'd also have to be mad at Chapterhouse, the Housemartins, Swedish House Mafia -- not to mention Led Zeppelin, for royally botching the Houses of the Holy cover. Not only that, it's hard to stay mad when Santa Claus will soon be waking from his year-long slumber to traverse the globe and break in to the homes of Christians everywhere both devout and non-practicing alike....
11. Braid - The Age of Octeen
Sure, you can only see the roofs here, but when you think about it, Santa Claus mostly just sees the roofs, so this is like the "Santa's-eye" view. How 'Christmas' is that?!
10. Golden City - Golden City
That is definitely not Santa Claus coming in for a landing. This was likely taken from the storyboard for the 1986 cinematic gem, starring a G.I. Joe-obsessed Fred Savage, The Boy Who Could Fly.
9. Silversun Pickups – Neck of the Woods
This gives us the distinct feeling that there's someone inside the window calling the cops on us for stalking.
8. Swell Maps - A Trip to Marineville
...and this gives us the distinct feeling that someone definitely should have called the cops on us.
7. We Were Promised Jetpacks - These Four Walls
We were promised jetpacks, but all we got were these single-detached metaphors for disappointment.
6. Real Estate - Days
This is the same row of houses as on the Jetpacks' cover, taken later that same day from a different angle.
5. The Microphones - Window
This family probably asked Santa Claus to bring them a driveway, and FiOS.
4. Harvey Danger - Where Have All the Merrymakers Gone?
Wherever the merrymakers have gone, Santa is going to unleash a furious wrath when he discovers they didn't leave him the required sacrificial tribute of cookies and milk. Don't make the same mistake.
Tragically, this home has been forsaken by Santa. That is because there is no chimney, which is Santa's only feasible means of egress into any domicile. True fact.
2. Oasis - “Live Forever”
Speaking of which: considering this is John Lennon’s childhood home, it is a Christmas miracle that Noel Gallagher is not trying to sneak down the chimney here.
1. Madness - “Our House”
This may seem like a simple choice, but it is truly an onion of mystery, with each perplexing layer more tear-inducing than the last. Why is there a free-standing brownstone in the middle of a verdant field of flowers? Is the door made out of the sky? Why does it have sinister-ish eyes? Is the roof actually a cartoon bomb? What on earth is that yellow thing tethered to it? Much like Christmas itself, it leaves you asking questions which make no sense outside of its own context.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!
Honorable Mention: Arcade Fire - The Suburbs
Yeah, yeah, we know, could have easily been on the list...but there's too much emphasis on the car and the tree for our tastes. Don't fret, this one is a shoo-in for 2013's "records with lame cars and ugly palm trees on the cover" list.
