On February 14th, 1884, when Teddy Roosevelt was in his mid-20's, his wife and mother died within hours of each other. So, first off: we hope that your Valentine's Day will go better than that today. Chances are that it will.
But, honestly, you don't want to have too nice of a Valentine's Day, do you? There's nothing cool about being happy in love. For example, unshackled single folk have all the best V-Day activities: 'love sucks' DJ nights, 'love sucks' comedy shows, 'love sucks' speed dating, etc. The concept that love sucks will never go out of style. Meanwhile, those who are happy in love can barely manage to change out of sweatpants for the occasion, and spend the night eating lumps of processed sugar from a cheap cardboard heart, sprawled out on some tacky bearskin rug, getting singed by sparks from a smoldering Duraflame log, all the while reading inane sex scenes from lesser Nora Roberts novels aloud to each other. That doesn't sound very rock 'n' roll at all, does it?? In order for love to be cool and artistically viable, or even merely be interesting, it has to be fraught, tumultuous, strained...
12: The Soft Boys - Underwater Moonlight
Take these two creepy fake people, who are having a frowny and shoeless picnic on a bunch of cold jagged rocks. It would not be rock 'n' roll if they were smiling and sitting in a park...but it might actually be creepier...
11: The Spinanes - Manos
Why are these two having a rough time? Possibly because the dude's hands smell bad. But having smelly hands and being upset about it is all part of rock 'n' roll.
10: David Cross - Shut Up You Fucking Baby!
This woman needs a hug because she listened to this entire comedy album and didn't hear a single actual joke, only Bill Hicks-ian rants. But that's because actual jokes were not rock 'n' roll during the Bush years.
9: Woodstock Original Soundtrack
This couple are having a bad trip because after the brown acid wore off, and they stopped staring at their lighters, they realized everyone was washing up and relieving themselves in the same pond. Really though, bathing in filth is practically the definition of rock 'n' roll.
8: Dirty Dancing Original Soundtrack
Where there's smoke there's fire, and where there's forbidden love there's forbidden dancing. All the happy couples in this movie? A bunch of saggy ballroom-dancing square pegs.
7: Eric's Trip - Love Tara
You can't see their faces, but you know these two are moody because of the black-and-white, and also it is the 1990's...
6: Boards of Canada - Twoism
...and these two are moody because they can't make out, due to their retro-ass Steampunk astronaut helmets...
5: Blur - Think Tank
...and these two are moody because they also can't make out, due to their retro-ass Steampunk SCUBA helmets.
4: Cursive - Cursive's Domestica
These two are moody (the girl might just be sleepy?) because no one understands teenagers. Especially teenagers.
3: Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts
These two are moody because that's just how the vibe goes when you hook up with a ghost...
...even if both parties are ghosts, apparently. 'Haunted Domestica' doesn't look any cheerier than the skin-bag version. But the pained dynamic between this pair of poltergeists has nothing on these next two...
1: David Bowie and Mick Jagger - "Dancing in the Street"
Yes, on the surface it would seem that everything about this marvelous song -- and its equally marvelous video -- is a toe-tappin', jumpin'-and-a-skippin' good time. But right beneath that surface is a clear underlying torment between Bowie and Jagger (probably because they can't jump each others' bones right there on camera), which the cover of the record bears as well. That's art, folks!
Happy Valentine's Day!
Honorable Mention: Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream
Somehow, these two happy children are completely rock 'n' roll. Only Billy Corgan at the very top of his game could get away with such a thing.
