Help Us Get Our New Meme Off the Ground

on Oct 13, 2013
New York magazine has opened our eyes yet again. A website in glossy paper form, you may be familiar with the magazine from that time they tried to re-name people who savor vegetables as "vegivores," even though the "vore" suffix indicates that such a person eats only vegetables, which would make them a vegetarian, the very thing they were trying to make a distinction from. New York doesn't have time for such grammatical trivialities, because they are busy making journalism. For instance, two weeks ago they made excellent journalism about everyone's favorite grumpy cat, Grumpy Cat. That week's cover proved to be so successful that they put Grumpy Cat on the cover all over again the next week.

Man, that kitteh has dynamic range, and clearly has a future. But how does one wee kitten navigate "the biz"? Being grumpy is a solid start, but grump alone will only take you so far. In Tinseltown, the difference between Friskies and Fancy Feast is often a good manager.

Here is where the ex-frontman of The Lashes, a mid-'00s punkity pop ensemble from Seattle, our hometown, comes in. Remembering that era, an infinite decade ago, with the improbable ongoing commercial viability of spiky haired guitar bands still a few years away from scraping starboard against the mono-pop iceberg, brings quaint mist to our eyeballs. Having brought his Ramones-fashioned surname into adulthood with him, we suspect that Ben Lashes also has a fondness for the time. But time, like a marching band, marches on. Now Mr. Lashes is the planet's most successful and only "meme manager," though surely at least a dozen newbies have hung a pixel shingle since the article came out. Back in the day, we suspected that The Lashes had keen business savvy, given that their record covers appeared to double as advertisements for young men's jeans...

The message is clear: the Vans Warped Tour might still exist (how is Reel Big Fish still a band?!), but punk bucks have been swapped for bitcoins. If you want to be a thousandaire in tomorrow's economy today, you had better tweet your junk or make a Vine or something. Don't waste precious time flogging GIFs though, because no one ever recognizes the creator of a GIF, no matter how great it is

With that, we would like to introduce the world to our brand new blockbuster meme...Horny Otter.
Having taken a serious and measured look at the meme market, we feel that Grumpy Cat is no fluke, and that there is a healthy future trading in "mood animals." Horny Otter has been painstakingly designed to capitalize on the potential of that "mood animal" market. It has taken hours of brainstorming, weeks of meetings, and months of arduous physical labor to bring him-or-her (Horny Otter is decidedly gender-neutral) to rollout-ready status. We think Horny Otter has the right synergy and product-market fit to emulsify dealflow and did we say synergy? The only missing puzzle piece is the right meme manager to take Horny Otter by the paw and guide him-or-her to complete world domination, resulting in T-shirt sales upwards of the 50,000 that we have preemptively ordered (bulk discount!). Sure, once this randy little critter takes off we may run into some fairly justified copyright infringement issues, but that's what we assume our manager will be there for. Until that day comes, we will be riding that gravy train, noshing on unbelievably fresh clams off of our own salty wet bellies.